To MY Dear Son In Heaven / Tommy,s Mom My Dearest Tommy: HAppy Birthday Sweetheart. 31 years young, Yesterday was so very hard as was this past Oct 10th which marked 4 years since you have been away. I think it was because I knew deep in my heart that unlike when you were in the ARmy, after 4 years you would be coming home, I knew when this 4 years past, you were not coming home & reality really hit me. It hasn,t gotten easier , the pain hurts as much as the first day when your accident occurred. It will be this way forever, for as long as I live, I will llive with a broken heart. Sometimes my Tommy my heart hurts so much I feel its going to bust. Sometimes the pain is almost unbearable & I do not want to go on, but here I am still struggling to get each day & lliving life one day at a time. I love you and miss so very much. One day we will be together again and I am ready. SO remember my angel if you need me, you come for me. All My LOve For Eternity, Mom
I dreamed last night of Heaven, As I followed you there I felt your presence, heard your heart, I almost touched your hair. I remember crying just because I missed you so Though I was right behind you I didn,t want you to go. I begged for a reminder To help me see your face A thing to hold and touch But it left an empty place. I look for you in everything I asked for you by name, I know that you were with me there, I,ll NEVER be the same. I dreamed last night of HEaven I ache for one more glimpse of the love I felt while near you and the beautiful heart I miss.
Happy Birthday / Mike Koehler Jr. (Brother) Just wanted to wish you a happy birthday bro. like laura said, i know your up there in heaven throwing a birthday bash like only you could. 31 years young...wow. still cant believe your gone from us. ive been doing okay lately. just trying to stay out with people and keep my mind off of things. but no matter what the pain doesnt stay away. it goes away temporarily, but always finds a way to rear its ugly head & come back. But then I always tell myself that you are in a MUCH better place, away from this messed up place of a world we all have to live in. Continue to take care & watch over me, mom, dad, laura, shell, austin, zac and everybody else thats important to us and to you. I love you bro. Happy birthday!
Happy Birthday Tommy T / Laura Koehler (sister) Hey Bibbis, I know you're going to be throwing the best party heaven has ever seen up there. I cant believe you're 31...where have the years gone? It really doesnt seem like it's been 4 years, not to me anyway. It's coming up on the hardest time of the year: we just passed your tragic accident date; today is your birthday, then it's Thanksgiving & Christmas. Once we get past those, it'll start all over again. I see that mom told you about her tattoo. Can you believe that?! I never thought she'd go through with it, but everyone knows that she can handle anything now. Anyways, I just wanted to wish a special angel a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Enjoy your special day. Love and miss you always!
Tomorrow.../ Shelly Smith (Sister) Hey Tom, tomorrow, we will have a new president of the United States & tomorrow, you should be turning 31. I miss you so very much Tom, not a day goes by. So much just isn't the same as it used to be, but we all know we have to keep pressing on. Thank you for watching over us all. I know with you looking down on us, we will always be safe, and somehow the chaoses of life will be overcomed. I love you bro, with all my heart and have a WONDERFUL birthday!!!
To MY Dear Son In Heaven / Tommy,s Mom My Dearest Tommy: Since your tragic accident I have been wanting to do two things & this past weekend which marked 4 years for you in Heaven, I finally did them both. I took a cross out to where your accident occurred. I hope my strength was enough to put it in the ground firmly enough where it doesn,t blow over. It is so much fast moving traffic there. I had to admit I was a little nervous, but I knew you would keep me safe. The other thing was I got a tatoo for you. I think the rose on the cross is beautiful & it says In Loving Memory, Tommy which is how you will always be in my heart. I spent most of the day with you Friday, OCt. 10th & you blessed us with beautiful weather. I felt like I was in HEaven with you at the cementary. The breeze was ever so gentle, it slowly waved the leaves on my favorite weeping willow tree. All you heard were the birds & the sky was so beautiful. Listening to the fountain was peaceful. Thank you Angel for giving me the sign with the leaves. I will never forget it. Not a day goes by that I don,t think of you and not a night that I don,t pray for you. How I miss you Tommy & wish things could be the way they were before 10/10/04. Your family & friends will never stop missing you. We talk of you everytime we are together. How you are loved & missed & will be forever. Please continue to give Dad, Shelly, LAura, Mikey, & all who love you strength. You know Mikey & Brittany broke up. He was heartbroken, but he is better now. His baby is so precious. You can,t help but smile when he is around. Little Austin is doing great. What do you think of him in the cub scouts? MY love Forever, Mom
4 years today / Laura Koehler (sister) Tommy, I did my best to stay busy today and to avoid that tragic memory for as long as I could. But now, I'm home and it's quiet...all I can do is think about that terrible morning. Even after 4 years, so many questions still remain unanswered. They're questions we wont get the answers to until it's our time to join you in heaven. You have so many family & friends that love and miss you so much. Mike and I went out to Batemans for dinner tonight and I thought of you b/c the Ravens cheerleaders were there. I said to Mike, "This is something Tommy would've liked." They were serving the food and all...kinda like Hooter girls. Nothing we say can help ease the terrible pain in our hearts but the wonderful memories we share can help us get through this. One of my favorite is you & I in the front row of Superman: Ride of Steel @ Six Flags. Somehow I convinced you to sit in the first row and, as we're going up the hill, you said, "Laura, I swear to god if I make it off of here alive, I'm gonna kill you." I have the pic where you're clinging on for dear live and I got my hands in the air! Even the not so happy memories I want to cherish forever...like the times we've argued and so on. Our time to be together will come again Tommy T. Until then, continue watching over all of us, especially Mom & Dad. Loving and Missing you Always!
What could I say after 4 years... / Shelly Smith (Sister)
I could say I miss you today...but I miss you everyday.
I could say I'm thinking of you today...but I think of you everyday.
I could say I love you today...but I love you everyday.
I could say I cried today...but my heart cries everyday.
Tom, it's so hard to believe it's been 4 years. I always feel like I say the same thing, but it's all so true. I remember everything from our conversation on the way to the mall to to coming home after your funeral. As clear as those memories are, it's the good & funny times always prevail. I mean like I told Mom, the last time I saw you, you were trying on feathered boas! Thank you for giving us such a beautiful day, for giving Mom the peace & sign she needed and for the strength Dad, Laura, Mike & I needed. Thank you for being the most precious & wonderful guardian angel any of us could have, especially Austin & Zachary (those boys sure have yours & Mike's temper, and you know Austin has the imagination of you guys). We love you Bibbis!!!
Thinking of you / Jen Kesterson (friend) This day every year is always an anniversary that isn’t a happy one. Time is supposed to help heal the pain…comforting to hear but not always the case. The best thing to do is to think about all the good times because I know you wouldn’t want us to be sad. We’ve suffered a heart wrenching loss but I know that you’ve made a great angel. Even though it’s been 4 years it still feels empty not having you stay the weekends with Dan and me. You were blessed with great friends and the absolute best family that will never forget you.
Four Years. / Larry Koehler (Cousin) Tommy T.
The Man. I was just thinking about you the other day. Just wanted to let you know that I'm taking care of your little brother. Making sure he's alright and pointing him in the right direction. You know that nothing is ripping me and him apart. I had a crazy nightmare the other night. It was very reminiscent of the night that you passed. I remember waking up the morning by my mom, barging into my room, crying her eyes out. Telling me, what had happened to you. And I remember, all I could do was sit up... hand in my face... crying. Just, trying not to... but I couldn't help it.
I know this may sound a little messed up on my behalf, but I never really cried at any funerals. Grandmothers, cousins, family members, and friends have passed -- but, I've always managed to keep a square jaw and chin up high. With you, not so much. You felt like a brother to me, and you were. You always brought anyone in, just letting them feel like they belong and making them laugh. But, enough about the bad times, my friend. I know you're watching... we're celebrating your life, man. And although 10/10 will always be remembered for the day of your departure... I don't think we like to think of it as that. We just remember the day. Just like we remember all of your memories. You've given everyone memories, and I think that's just what is so special about you. Thanks for everything. Really. Me and Mike were heading to Ocean City the other weekend, listening to Tommy T's Rap Mix. You had great taste in music, haha.
We love you, Tom. And until the day that we all meet up again in Heaven at the Pearly Gates, singing Karaoke and dancing... That's when the times will reunite and rejoice. I'm still here for your family and your friends. If any of them need me, my e-mail is displayed. We miss you.
missing you tommy / Michael Koehler Jr (Brother) I still cannot believe that it has been 4 years since you were taken away from us. it has been so many painful, hurting nights for all of us. like mom, i will never understand why you had to be taken from us. did god need an angel? did god need somebody to watch over us? i just do not understand it, and unfortunately, i never will. i'll never understand what me & my family did to deserve to live in such pain & sorrow. it's just not fair. what did we do wrong? and lately i feel as if all i have been talking about is myself & my own problems and not focusing on making mom dad & laura feel better. thats very selfish of me. i know if you were here tom you would be the one i would be talking to about all of this and would offer me advice, but you cant. i can talk to you, as you know i do quite often, but i can never get a response from you. i still remember the morning that we found out. i had so much anger & agression built up in me in them few seconds it took to hear the news that i just wanted to scream and punch anything in sight. and i felt all of them familiar feelings when my problems recently started to happen. as you know, i have a beautiful baby boy that i, and everybody else, loves so dearly. and i wish you could of spent time with him. you were always great around austin, and i know you would be the same way around zac. i want to see you play with him and hold him and see his face light up whenever he sees you but i wont get that. none of us will. but i know you are smiling down on him in heaven, watching his every move, laughing at everything he does. and i know you will continue to watch over him and everybody else that you love so dearly. They say that the pain & sorrow does heal over time, and im sure it will to a degree, but it'll never completely go away. nothing will ever be able to fill that hole in my heart that was once occupied by my brother. dont get me wrong, you will always be in my heart, but a part of it went away on that tragic day. a part of me died inside that i will never be able to regain. i hope you continue to look out after me & make whatever is supposed to happen with me actually happen. i know you will. and please continue to watch over everybody. heaven needed an angel, and they got one. i just wish we didnt have to live in this pain. Rest in peace my brother. I will always love you.
To MY Dear Son In HEaven / Tommy,s Mom My Dearest Tommy: Tomorrow will be 4 years since my life was shattered. It is still so hard to believe. It still seems as if it just happened. The days, months, & years come & go, but time hasn,t done much to help me. All it has done is made me realize that I must live everyday with a pain & saddness that sometimes is almost unbearable. All the stages of grief that I have gone through over the past 4 years, I will continue to go through for as long as I live. MY life knows every darkness & sorrow, my time trembles with mourning & pain, & my eyes see empty horizons. I look at life so different now. I honestly do not know how I surviived. There are so many days Tommy when I really want to be with you. I love & miss you so much & I am so very tired, but I know that I have to continue to be strong for your sisters, brother, & espically Dad. He is hurting so. i need your strength more than ever as I will NEVER fully come to terms with what happened to you. You were such a blessing in my life, you made me so happy & proud, Its just not fair that your life ended so soon. I would trade places with you if I could, you my Tommy as well as Shell, LAura, Mikey, & Daddy are my life. Part of me died when you did . You are in my heart so you are always with me., but how I ache & long to see you. I love you Angel with all my heart & soul. All My Love Forever, Mom
To MY Precious Son In Heaven / Tommy,s Mom My Dearest Tommy: Exactly one month from today will be 4 years since I faced the saddest day of my life. I still cannot believe it. I still find myself thinking you are in the Army. You know you were awary 4 years then & that was hard, but I knew you were coming back home. Now I know after these 4 years you are not & you can never come home to me again. Time really has not done much to help me. Yes I do remember more the happier times instead of always remembering your tragic accident, but that too makes me very sad as I know I can never have those happy memories again. I honestly don,t know how I survived, but I do know my life is changed forever. No matter how many years I continue to live, no medicine, no doctor, nothing no one can say can help me. I will forever live with a broken heart & saddness I cannot describe. I will NEVER understand why. I love you Tommy and I miss you everyday of my life. I pray for you everynight honey. I see you having a great time in the beautiful Heaven above & when God calls my name I know you will be waiting for me with Buds & Todd by your side. If you need me you know where I am. Until we are together again, Take care my precious angel. Know I love you till the end of time!
Going backwards into grieving / Laura Koehler (sister) Tommy, Before I asked if it was really possible to go backwards in the grieving process...now, I no longer question it. The past couple nights, I've been missing you so much that it feels unbearable. I cry so hard and feel like I cant cry anymore when more tears come. This pain and sadness will NEVER go away. We will NEVER stop missing you and we will NEVER stop loving you. The other day, I was at the cemetary and felt like I couldnt leave. Everytime I leave, I feel like I dont stay long enough. I talk to you, tell you whats going on, ask you why you did what you did....then, even though I dont know what else to say, I dont want to go. When I finally left the last time I was there, which was this past Sunday, Shell called me and knew I had been crying so asked what was wrong. I told her that I had just left the cemetary and how I always feel like I leave too quick. But, I had to laugh b/c, while I'm driving on York Road, crying my eyes out, I'm listening to 'Beat It' by Michael Jackson. I thought to myself, "Tom would probably beat the crap outta me right now." But, the last couple times have been really hard. When Mom or Dad have a rough day, I act strong b/c god knows they have enough sadness in their hearts....I dont want them to worry about mine. We're all strong...we're all getting through this but I honestly dont know how. When people ask how we've gotten through it, I dont know what to say. I'm really dreading October 10 and wish that day could be skipped over but I know life doesnt work that way. Life goes on, whether we want it to or not....I guess that's how we grieve and heal. Well, this entry is long enough I'd say. You'll be in my prayers everynight, You'll be in my thoughts everyday, You'll be in heart for eternity. Love ya!
Years dont change a thing. / Laura Koehler (sister) Tommy, Despite that this October will be 4 years, it doesnt feel any less sadder inside. I'm still missing you and there will always be that piece of my heart that will never be whole. You gave Mom a beautiful Mothers' Day present. I know she'll cherish it and take very good care of it. She immediately started crying when Dad gave it to her. Your picture on that charm is absolutely breathtaking. I'm planning a trip to Hershey Park next month. They got a new roller coaster there...supposedly the steepest drop in the US. I'd make you get on with me but, since you cant, I'm just going to ask you fly with me on that one. I can still hear you saying on the Superman, "Laura, if we get off of this alive, I'm going to kill you." I'll be thinking of you on that one. Take care Bibbis. I love & miss you always!!
To My Dear Son In Heaven / Tommy,s Mom My Dearest Tommy: Mother,s Day will be here Sunday and i,m very sad as I wish so much you were here. Every day I realize how blessed I was to have you for a son. You were kind & caring and never gave me any trouble or heartache. You were a good son my precious Tommy. I miss everything about you espically your laugh, your beautiful smile. There aren,t words to tell you how much I miss you and love you, Two 4 little words that mean so much. I would do anything to have you back home again. I recently watched your graduation tape from the Army for the 1st time since your accident. It broke my heart. My dear child in Heaven, WHY? I,ll never understand. A parent should go first. As much happiiness as there is my life with the other children, Austin, & Little Zach & Dad who I love with all my heart, I hurt everyday TOmmy & a sadness fills my heart that never will go away. I love you. Thank you for giving me 26 years of Happy Mother,s Day. Rememebr everything I say or do, you are there. Take care my precious ANgel. All MY LOve For Eternity, Mom
To MY Dear Son In Heaven / Tommy,s Mom My Dearest Tommy: Happy Easter honey. It was a nice day as we saw Shelly, Rich, Austin, MIkey, Brit, & Baby Zach. You sure do have two beautiful little nephews. Austin still talks about you espically when him & I go for our little walk. He also still kisses your picture on my necklace. Baby Zach will know all about once day. The boys have really helped Dad & I to smile again & feel happy, but there will forever be a sadness in our hearts. I very often think how perfect life would be if only my TOmmy were here. Not a day goes by that I do not think of you, talk to you , miss you, & pray for you. I want to thank you for giving me a couple of signs lately. I miss you so much Tommy and I love you more than words can say. Thank you honey & I thank god for giving Dad, Shelly, Laura, Mikey & myself strength each day to survive our pain. You will forever be loved & missed.
EACH MOMENT WE HAVE CHERISHED, WITH THE ONES WE LOVE SO WELL, HAS LEFT BEHIND A STORY, THAT IT WARMS THE HEART TO TELL.
THE PAST CAN BE RECALLED, AND ALL ITS HAPPY TIMES RETOLD, AND FAR BEYOND THE REACH OF TIME, EACH MEMORY SHINES LIKE GOLD
THANK YOU TOMMY FOR ALL THE BEAUTIFUL HAPPY & FUNNY MEMORIES YOU HAVE LEFT US TO CHERISH FOREVER!
All my Love Forever, Mom
To My Precious Angel / Tommy,s Mom MY Dearest Tommy: Its been a while since I wrote to you, but I think of you, miss you, and love you with every breath I take. As you know some days we are okay and others are very sad and hard to get through. Today was one of those for your Dad. He doesn,t really say much to me about how much he misses you. He keeps his feelings inside, but I know. I can see it in his eyes and today was bad. I have been taking medication for sometime now and it helps me balance my feelings, but Dad doesn,t . He was listening to your Beatle tapes and I can only imagine what he was thinking. I feel so helpless when I see him hurting so. For the past 3 and a half years we have been able to help and comfort each other, but there are days when we just cry ourselves to sleep. Please continue to send us signs and give us strength. Our heartache will never leave us. We will NEVER understand why we had to lose you . I often wonder what you would be doing. I look at your pictures constantly and wish I could you back home to us. I love you so much Tommy and miss you more than words can say. TAke care my precious angel. ALl My LOve Forever, Love, Mom
It's been awhile / Laura Koehler (sister) Hey Tom, Sorry I havent wrote in here in awhile. Things have been kind of crazy here. I got a new car! I had a 2008 Equinox for a short time (from December to March), but I just wasnt happy with it. So, now, I'm the proud owner of a 2008 GT Tiburon. It's so much more me. I love it and everyone can tell I'm so much happier with that car. Last night was the awards banquet for mine & moms' work. I took home BSO Employee of the Year for 2007. (BSO= Business Office). It was a nice event. Mom didnt win anything but she said she wasnt expecting to b/c she complains alot, lol! But, anyways, I just wanted to let you know that, just because I dont write in here on a weekly basis, doesnt mean I dont think about you. I think about you everyday. Love & miss ya!
New Years / Laura Koehler (sister) Hey Bibbis, Hope you had a Happy New Years. No doubt that you had the best view of the fireworks...no matter where any of us were. It was a fun night for me, with my attempted cartwheel, lol! I cant believe it's 2008 already. It really doesnt feel like it...not to me anyway. You know, there's so much I want to say right now but I dont know how to say it. I've been thinking of you and your accident alot...wondering what went wrong that night? Why were you so far from home? I thought that, as time went on, it was supposed to get easier. But, I guess we'll all have our bad days and our "better" days. Love ya always Tommy!
Merry Christmas / Laura Koehler (sister) Hey Tom, I know you were looking down on us this morning, smiling as we opened our gifts. It was unusally quiet in the house this year...with it only being me, mom & dad. We all try to be cheerful and happy but you can tell that sadness is there. It always will be. I love and miss you so much and not a day goes by that I dont think of you. I was hoping for a white Christmas this year but, unfortunately, that didnt happen. I hope that you had a Merry Christmas in heaven...I can only imagine how beautiful it was. I love & miss you always! MERRY CHRISTMAS TOMMY!
Tributes and Condolences
It was a fun night for me, with my attempted cartwheel, lol! I cant believe it's 2008 already. It really doesnt feel like it...not to me anyway. You know, there's so much I want to say right now but I dont know how to say it. I've been thinking of you and your accident alot...wondering what went wrong that night? Why were you so far from home? I thought that, as time went on, it was supposed to get easier. But, I guess we'll all have our bad days and our "better" days. Love ya always Tommy!
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